It’s like meeting up with an old friend – someone you haven’t seen in a long time. There is a lot of catching up to do, and a lot to reminisce about. Unlike my relationship with Hekate, which has always been apparent in my spirituality, Lucifer/Memnoch has been in and out, sometimes for years it seems. This time around, though he was not completely absent, I did not spend much of my time with him. After having my children, I sort of pushed aside the relationship we had built because I needed to think about them. I went through a lot of drama, and pain, but he gave me space in order to get my life in order.
My life is nowhere near being in order, but it is getting there. Now that I can focus a bit of my energy back on my spirituality, he has shown up again. I can feel his hesitation, like “Should I put in the time and effort for this?” And I have to say, I am having a similar hesitation. Do I really want to start this up again, and perhaps be left with having to apologize and as for more space?
I like where we are right now, it is right for my current position on my path – we are talking, we are getting to know one another again. He is definitely a friend, and I am grateful for his presence in my life right now. He is pushing me to put more effort into my appearance, and to be more honest about my feelings. Last night, I went on a walk and was urged to text my ex. I informed him about how I felt, and though I hate the fact that he did not respond – even with a negative text – I feel lighter, like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
I am still struggling with what to call him – he has told me “Call me what you like, a name is just a title.” So, the decision is left up to me. I have almost always considered the Deity I interact with to be Memnoch, mostly because of the negative connotations behind the name Lucifer. The right name will come to my lips when the time is right.
I am seeing a lot of similarities between Hekate and Lucifer/Memnoch, or perhaps just the UPG experiences I have had with them. She is an honest, wise Goddess who strives to light the way for those who will listen – she is a guide, a teacher, and a very serious woman. He is wise, cunning, and often times brutally honest – though he prefers not to use vulgar words, there are moments when he yells out in frustration and I just sort of take a step back because I do not want to be caught in that explosion. They both have the capacity to be cruel, and have been known to lose their tempers at times.
It just seems a fitting relationship, the Goddess of Crossroads and the Decadent Devil and myself, in so much need of guidance, honesty, and wisdom. I dunno… What was I saying? This whole situation has me on edge right now. With the whole, newly single and still having feelings for my ex, and my desire to find a place where I belong spiritually… I am so lost. Like there is this strange fog clouding my everything right now.
Even my living situation, though much improved, is starting to feel stagnant. I am trying to get into a new place, and found one. I was all ready to put in the application, I have a money order for the application fee and the holding fee. I was fucking ready. But no, they declined to accept the application at this time because I have not started work. I know that it is completely possible that the Universe has something different in mind, but you know what? I am impatient, and I want to get things figured out NOW.
I also bought some wine today… Especially for honoring Hekate and Lucifer/Memnoch – I stood in the wine section of Fry’s and just let it stand out to me as I was looking at the rows. At first, a wine called The 7 Deadly Zins stood out, but once I found Primal Roots, with its subtle hints of chocolate, I knew it was the right one.
I am starting to understand the nature of Him much better, but I know that it will be a while before I feel completely comfortable with his role in my life. He has already requested that I dress differently – not as a command, he said “I want you to dress in a way that helps you to love yourself.”
Love myself? LOVE myself? I have never loved myself. I have always felt that I do not deserve love, and that the world and those who are close to me would be better off without me around. I am dark, depressing, angry, and jealous. I go through periods of extreme solitude, then through periods of being a social butterfly. I prefer the odd, the taboo, and even the grotesque (at times). I have a very disturbing mind, and my thoughts are commonly on something that is best left out of polite company.
He wants me to love myself. He tells me that it is the first step I need to take to further our relationship. I did buy myself a few pieces of clothing, and a new pair of heels, to help me physically love myself more. I love the way I feel in heels – it always makes me feel sexy, and powerful. Mentally loving myself is going to take a lot more time, and effort. I hate myself so deeply… I don’t understand why He would want to have a relationship with me, let alone why he has spent so much time in the background, waiting.
I want to know why he chose me, why he came to me all those years ago… What do I have that makes me special? Not every Deity chooses every person. I was never chosen by Loki, or The Morrigan, though I deeply enjoy honoring and working with them.
Why, Lucifer? (As I sit here, I just feel this strange feeling that he is smiling and shaking his head at me, and the obvious thought of “Oh, aren’t you adorable”.) I guess, in time, I might find out.