After starting work, I feel like I have lost so much. I feel like I am a lazy, useless person right now… I spend most of my time laying in bed, watching Netflix. I haven’t practiced, I haven’t honored my Gods… I haven’t done any photography, barely any writing… I just feel so out of sorts recently.
I work with Josh, not on the same campaign but in the same building. Not even the same shift… but at least once a day, I catch him in my path… And it kills me every time I see him, knowing that he wont be coming home… that my kids will still ask about him when I get off work.
I feel like the world is crashing down around me. I started putting myself out there for dating, and I have had quite a few hits… but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like my heart is in it, you know?
I just want to find peace, find happiness. I just want to be at a place internally where I am not constantly under stress, not freaking out and having panic attacks. I want this nausea, heartburn, and these headaches to go away.
I don’t know where I am going right now… I don’t know where this path is leading me. I had such a different concept of what my life would be like at this time last year… Today marks 1 year that Josh and I have known each other… 11/30/2013 was the day he asked me out on our first date… I remember my red cheeks, my silly giggle, my seriously excited squeal when I told my friend Jany about it. I remember my sister agreeing to take me out to Dillon’s, and to pick him up on the way so he wouldn’t have to walk… I remember slow dancing to country music outside in the cold, his arms around me helping me to feel safe…. I remember all the good moments and I look at how we act now, and it breaks my heart all over again. I have tears in my eyes. How can this be real? How can things change in the blink of an eye like this?
I miss him so much.. He knows how I feel, but I just don’t think he gets it…. I don’t think he gets the fact that I need him – not to pay the bills, not to buy me things, but I need his strength, his smile… his laugh, his goofy jokes, his badass walk… I need him in my life. Not to sound pathetic, or anything… but it just doesn’t feel right without him here…