Fear

I know that fear is healthy, especially when you are starting something new. It is healthy to feel apprehension about something, because that is a part of our learning process, it is an instinct that keeps us safe, but it can also be paralyzing. I wasn’t feeling fear when my husband left for basic training, because I am not afraid of being alone, I am not afraid of handling things on my own – I hate that he is so far away, and that I barely get to talk to him, and that he is going through some tough shit right now with the army, and Iย am scared of what might happen if he doesn’t make to/through basic training, but I do not feel fear of him being gone. I got this. I am strong. I can homeschool, and keep a clean(ish) house, and I can work on getting my online storefront ready. I can do this.

But right now, the fear is real. No lie. I have this anxiety building in my stomach. Are we ready to homeschool? But I don’t have this, or that – oh, Sunstone needs this for his lesson! What about this? Or that? … I don’t feel prepared. I feel like such a newb, and I am so scared. What makes me think we can do Waldorf inspired homeschooling when I was recommended to be held back in a Waldorf school?! What makes me think I can teach my son any better than the teachers at an established public school? I don’t have training!

Right now, I am working on a set of stories to give Sunstone a deeper understanding of the vowels and language in general. He has the basics down, thanks to public school – he knows the vowels, knows his letters, and can read little bits (but he gets very frustrated with reading, so I am hoping this deeper understanding will help to alleviate some it). I am also finishing up a set of Math Gnomes for when we start our Math Block.

But is it enough? Is it too much? What about the schooling area? Is Moonstone’s Frozen table really a good learning table? Should we have wood bowls and plates? What about playsilks and wooden toys? Nature table or tray?

I am scared. I am nervous. I am ready to start this, but at the same time I don’t feel ready at all. We are all so excited about February 1st, when we had decided to start schooling. I am grateful that we live in a state with pretty relaxed homeschooling laws. I can pretty much do whatever I want as long as we touch on the core subjects. I have a First Grade curriculum that is amazing (and so easy to tweak and add to).

I know that I need to do some inner work, do some reflection and have some time to myself to really focus on the root of the feelings I am dealing with. But trying to find the time right now is such a pain.

Something I need to realize, and accept, is that I am not everyone else. I am not calm, I am not peaceful – I yell, I get angry, I hide in my room for days on end, I just can’t even on some things. I am me, and all I can do is be the best me I can be for myself and my husband and my kids. I can work on myself, but I will always have a temper, I will always have to deal with anxiety and being an introvert, and I will always cuss like a fucking sailor. But I am ok with that – deep down, I know that I am ok with the negative things in my personality.

I just need to stop worrying, because in the end, we will all learn what works best and what needs to be discarded. We will figure it all out.

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2 thoughts on “Fear

  1. I think this is such a huge change, that it is normal to feel nervous/anxious without even having any anxiety-dissorders. Homeschooling is not really heard of over here in Belgium, so I can hardly imagine how to organise. Good luck! School will start soon enough now! ๐Ÿ™‚ do you have a schoolbell? ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    • No school bell lol, but I have songs and poems that will help him transition into “school time”. I was thinking of looking into getting a small dinner bell type thing to ring when school is going to start, but that will be later.

      Like

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