Fear

I know that fear is healthy, especially when you are starting something new. It is healthy to feel apprehension about something, because that is a part of our learning process, it is an instinct that keeps us safe, but it can also be paralyzing. I wasn’t feeling fear when my husband left for basic training, because I am not afraid of being alone, I am not afraid of handling things on my own – I hate that he is so far away, and that I barely get to talk to him, and that he is going through some tough shit right now with the army, and I am scared of what might happen if he doesn’t make to/through basic training, but I do not feel fear of him being gone. I got this. I am strong. I can homeschool, and keep a clean(ish) house, and I can work on getting my online storefront ready. I can do this.

But right now, the fear is real. No lie. I have this anxiety building in my stomach. Are we ready to homeschool? But I don’t have this, or that – oh, Sunstone needs this for his lesson! What about this? Or that? … I don’t feel prepared. I feel like such a newb, and I am so scared. What makes me think we can do Waldorf inspired homeschooling when I was recommended to be held back in a Waldorf school?! What makes me think I can teach my son any better than the teachers at an established public school? I don’t have training!

Right now, I am working on a set of stories to give Sunstone a deeper understanding of the vowels and language in general. He has the basics down, thanks to public school – he knows the vowels, knows his letters, and can read little bits (but he gets very frustrated with reading, so I am hoping this deeper understanding will help to alleviate some it). I am also finishing up a set of Math Gnomes for when we start our Math Block.

But is it enough? Is it too much? What about the schooling area? Is Moonstone’s Frozen table really a good learning table? Should we have wood bowls and plates? What about playsilks and wooden toys? Nature table or tray?

I am scared. I am nervous. I am ready to start this, but at the same time I don’t feel ready at all. We are all so excited about February 1st, when we had decided to start schooling. I am grateful that we live in a state with pretty relaxed homeschooling laws. I can pretty much do whatever I want as long as we touch on the core subjects. I have a First Grade curriculum that is amazing (and so easy to tweak and add to).

I know that I need to do some inner work, do some reflection and have some time to myself to really focus on the root of the feelings I am dealing with. But trying to find the time right now is such a pain.

Something I need to realize, and accept, is that I am not everyone else. I am not calm, I am not peaceful – I yell, I get angry, I hide in my room for days on end, I just can’t even on some things. I am me, and all I can do is be the best me I can be for myself and my husband and my kids. I can work on myself, but I will always have a temper, I will always have to deal with anxiety and being an introvert, and I will always cuss like a fucking sailor. But I am ok with that – deep down, I know that I am ok with the negative things in my personality.

I just need to stop worrying, because in the end, we will all learn what works best and what needs to be discarded. We will figure it all out.